This week, Chlo\u00e9 Thibaud wonders if it’s possible to be a feminist and cut ties with one’s (toxic) mother\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cStop stuffing yourself, you\u2019ll end up obese!\u201d, \u201cA 12 in French? With all the books I buy you?\u201d, \u201cYou know if you stay this clumsy\u2026 no one will ever love you!\u201d Have you ever heard these phrases? In Dear Mother (Gl\u00e9nat), Alix has everything to be happy \u2013 a job she loves, a loving husband, three children \u2013 and yet, something is wrong. This something has no name, no face; it\u2019s a shadow that hangs over everything. The shadow of a \u201cmother\u201d who isn\u2019t really one. \u201cThose words, \u2018you\u2019re beautiful,\u2019 I\u2019m pretty sure my mother never said them to me,\u201d the heroine confides. \u201cAt least, I don\u2019t remember it.\u201d I read this graphic novel by Sophie Adriansen (script) and Mademoiselle Caroline (art and colors) just before Mother\u2019s Day. Deeply moved by the accuracy and realism of this story, I first realized how lucky I am to have a mother who has told me \u201cI love you\u201d almost every day since I was born. Then I became aware of the number of people around me who have suffered or are still suffering from not being in that situation. \u201cAccording to experts, 20% of the population grew up with a \u2018toxic\u2019 parent,\u201d we read on the back cover. Sophie Adriansen is one of them; she drew inspiration from her own story to write it. \u201cIt took me a very long time to become aware of this maternal toxicity,\u201d she explains. \u201cI felt like a failure in my mother-daughter relationship. I had to confront this idea that you are necessarily an ungrateful daughter if you question your mother\u2019s point of view, if you don\u2019t say \u2018yes\u2019 to everything, if you set limits. I had to feel ready to assert myself with my mother, against my mother, and that took time.\u201d<\/p>\n
If it takes time, it’s because the subject is still taboo.
\nThe subtitle of Dear Mom is “Mothers Can Be Toxic Too.” The adverb “can be” is loaded with meaning. “Toxicity is starting to be addressed in marital and professional relationships,” admits Sophie Adriansen, “but the fact that the person supposed to love their child unconditionally from the day they’re born can have questionable behavior, yes, that remains taboo. In the eyes of society, you don’t have the right to resent your mother. To say you resent her is pure ingratitude, because this person gave you life, potentially sacrificed herself. So, not acknowledging this ‘eternal debt,’ saying you refuse to feel indebted, that you choose yourself, that you prioritize your own existence, is extremely frowned upon.” Because she chose to prioritize her own family, Sophie Adriansen faced judgment from those around her. \u201cWhen you don\u2019t have that type of mother, you don\u2019t believe it exists and you think it\u2019s an exaggeration.\u201d So, how do you know if your mother is truly toxic or just normally annoying? On page 182 of the graphic novel, the author shares a \u201cDo You Have a Toxic Parent?\u201d quiz with fifteen questions such as \u201cDoes your parent sometimes make fun of you? \/ Do they sometimes criticize you? \/ Do they sometimes praise you? \/ Do they sometimes make you feel guilty? \/ Do you feel like nothing you do is good enough for your parent?\u201d Of course, you might answer \u201cyes\u201d to some things, but that doesn\u2019t mean your mother is jeopardizing your mental health. \u201cAs parents, we can all be toxic at times,\u201d comments Sophie Adriansen. \u201cThe difference with classic conflicts is the permanence, the recurrence, the density of the remarks, the fact that there is no respite or that this respite is an alternation of hot and cold, which results in never knowing where you stand.\u201d I shared this questionnaire in a story on my Instagram account and I received more than fifty testimonials from women (and three men) whose mothers ticked most of the boxes.<\/p>\n
Simone
\nMarie, 50, the eldest of four children, tells me: \u201cWe had a happy childhood because we ‘lacked for nothing’. Except for our mother’s love. I have no photos of myself as a baby in her arms, no memories of her accompanying me to sports… and above all, never any encouragement, never any praise. Always reproaches. Even when I gave her a gift. My whole life was devoted to pleasing her, in vain.\u201d The same goes for Fanny, 34: \u201cZero encouragement, only criticism since childhood. Never good enough, even when I got good grades, always putting down those around me to distance myself. I started my working life with zero self-confidence, always very anxious, and with my main goal being to be perfect and for everyone to like me. I had to endure her phone calls for years, even though she knows I hate them. They lasted an hour and a half, and I had to be her therapist because all she did was complain.\u201d Many women have chosen to cut ties because they felt so suffocated by their mother-daughter relationship. This is the case for Clothilde, 46: \u201cI no longer speak to my mother because it was impossible for me to feel bad every time we talked. My mother always positioned herself as a rival to me. When I was a child, I excelled at school, but she would just tell me ‘that’s normal’ in a curt tone. In my teens, she would tell me repeatedly that I wasn’t ‘feminine’ and that she, at my age, had loads of suitors. At the same time, as soon as I tried a more feminine style, she would forbid it, saying it was vulgar and that I ‘looked like a whore.’ She also neglected me a lot; I spent my childhood sometimes waiting for her for two or three hours after my activities. Her authority was erratic: she would forbid me everything and then let me do whatever I wanted.\u201d Despite the suffering, it can sometimes take decades to realize that this treatment, this control, is not normal. \u201cI spent years thinking her behavior was normal, then excusing it, then telling myself it was my fault she was like that,\u201d confides Jeanne, 28. \u201cI realize now that she really behaves like a stalker. I\u2019m grieving the mother I thought she was\u2014she sold me her myth, stylish daughter, cool and brilliant mom\u2014and I\u2019m grieving the one I should have had. I\u2019m my own mother now, I\u2019m taking care of myself. I regret that she let the demons in her head and from her childhood come between us.\u201d<\/p>\n
In talking with dozens of women, I quickly realized that their ages varied greatly. Does this mean that this maternal toxicity has nothing to do with belonging to a particular generation? \u201cSince the comic book came out, through messages or at book signings, the illustrator and I mainly see women, but also men, who say, \u2018The mother in the book is my mother,\u2019 and sometimes, \u2018She\u2019s my father,\u2019 but I\u2019ve noticed that it concerns people of all generations!\u201d reports Sophie Adriansen. \u201cI\u2019m 42 years old, and I meet women twenty years younger than me as well as women my mother\u2019s age, which reveals a pattern, a way of functioning that transcends the era. We initially thought there was a generational aspect to it, perhaps linked to the children of May \u201968 who are reacting to overly strict upbringing or reproducing certain things\u2026 But no, it concerns women of very diverse ages and backgrounds.\u201d Questioning one’s mother, grandmother, but also one’s sister, best friend, or boss, can seem difficult in a time when we are increasingly called upon to show solidarity with one another. In this sense, would cutting ties with one’s mother be an anti-feminist act? \u201cI would tend to think the opposite,\u201d the author replies. \u201cIf we cut ties because it proves necessary or because we are creating distance, it means we are rejecting the mechanisms of domination at play. Taking back control of one’s life, one’s own path, is rather feminist, isn’t it? Mothers who seek at all costs to exert this domination are reproducing something patriarchal.\u201d Feminist education can even be one of the tools that helps you cope better with a toxic mother, as L\u00e9a, 30, explains to me: \u201cAt 26, I had a constant feeling of failure and inferiority, until I met a 50-year-old colleague, single and childless, who said to me, ‘Your mother isn’t very feminist, is she!’ I asked her to explain what feminism was because\u2014no joke\u2014between my closed-minded background and my seven years of medical school, my knowledge was limited. It was a revelation to realize that 100% of my pain came from the patriarchy, which my mother also suffers from, along with my father, and which she reproduces on me\u2026 Feminism allowed me to detach myself from all of that. Today, I want to be as active as possible in activism to flourish and, I hope, help other women do the same.\u201d<\/p>\n
If you have questions about your relationship with your mother or someone close to you, I highly recommend reading Dear Mom, which will undoubtedly lead to a greater awareness. \u201cWe don’t have to break things off, but we also don’t have to stubbornly cling to a relationship that hurts us,\u201d concludes Sophie Adriansen. I would add, for those who aren’t victims of toxic parents but witness this kind of relationship, that this book helped me finally put an end to the infamous, and incredibly damaging, \u201cBut still, she’s your mother\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Simone loves it: Chlo\u00e9 Thibaud’s recommendations.
\n\u201cFor as long as I can remember, I’ve been careful about my weight.\u201d This is the first sentence of Juliette Lenrouilly’s book, Affam\u00e9es (Fayard), and it resonates particularly with today’s episode. In one out of every two testimonies I collected, the women told me about their mothers’ remarks about their weight. What if, whatever our weight, we’re always \u201ctoo fat\u201d? The journalist conducts an eye-opening investigation \u201cinto the culture of thinness\u201d and focuses in particular on the phenomenon \u201crecently dubbed the \u2018almond mom.\u2019\u201d She explains: \u201cIn the world of the \u2018almond mom,\u2019 being thin is paramount, and if you’re hungry, a few almonds should suffice.\u201d I liked the fact that she gives a voice to many witnesses \u2013 particularly the women around her (including her mother, by the way) \u2013 and it’s a rather judicious read as we approach June, during which, spoiler alert, we’ll inevitably hear about this damn “summer body”!<\/p>\n
Nina Makeup\u201d is a young beauty content creator. She has 150,000 followers, but she’s alone. Very alone. One day, she realizes someone is stalking her, and her daily life, punctuated by \u201cGet Ready With Me\u201d posts, becomes less and less glamorous\u2026 \u201cEverything is slipping away from me,\u201d she finally confesses. \u201cYet, I’m doing exactly everything I’ve been told to do\u2026 I just want to make a living from my passion\u2026 To make people beautiful, to make them love themselves\u2026 To make them love me\u2026 To be the best version of myself. Why isn’t it working?\u201d I loved Sangliers, the new graphic novel by Lisa Blumen, just published by L’employ\u00e9\u00b7e du moi. A thriller in fifty shades of pink that tackles the subject of \u201cinfluence\u201d\u2014darker than it seems\u2014with great style and originality. An extra like for the superb cover.<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cYou can\u2019t apply equality within a couple in a society that is unequal. In fact, it\u2019s asking women to enrich men in the name of feminism.\u201d These words from Lucile Quillet resonated with me when I watched the documentary My Capital, directed by Sarah Tahlaiti, which retraces her own journey as a woman for whom money \u201chas always provoked a feeling of insecurity.\u201d The experts are all fascinating \u2013 a special mention goes to Vanessa Caraes, a former bank advisor and financial coach, who speaks frankly about heterosexual couples: \u201cIt\u2019s about loving, but loving intelligently [\u2026]. It\u2019s not love to say, \u2018I earn 4,000 euros, she earns 1,800 euros, we split everything 50\/50, I save, I get richer, and she, well\u2026 I love her!\u2019\u201d Financial education is a priority because money is political! A must-see film, available since yesterday on on.suzane, a fantastic, independent, and committed platform for feminist documentaries and content (if you subscribe, take the opportunity to also discover Judica\u00eblle Perrot’s series “PMA pour toustes”).<\/span><\/p>\n In 2023, in French classical and jazz music programs, only 6.4% of works were composed by women. To combat this glaring lack of parity, Les Inoubliables created the Festival of (Not) Forgotten Women. The third edition takes place from May 29 to June 1, between Paris and Courbevoie, \u201cculminating in the world premiere of a work by [their] composer-in-residence, C\u00e9line Fankhauser, at the Cin\u00e9math\u00e8que fran\u00e7aise.\u201d More than 40 female composers will be featured, and if you are available today, I would be delighted to participate in a free roundtable discussion alongside journalist Aliette de Laleu and mezzo-soprano Marielou Jacquard on the theme \u201cBreaking the Codes: The Rise of Women in the Music Industry,\u201d at 7 p.m. at La Cit\u00e9 Audacieuse (75006). Find all the practical information and the program here, and maybe see you tonight?<\/span><\/p>\n Simone’s post of the week<\/span><\/p>\n Simone<\/span><\/p>\n Once the separation occurs, there is a very significant social decline, and a much steeper one for mothers\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n Journalist Selim Derkaoui deconstructs the clich\u00e9s about single mothers, often from working-class backgrounds, who find themselves managing the education of their children alone while being stigmatized, monitored, and sometimes even criminalized by institutions.<\/span><\/p>\n Her investigation, Don’t Let Your Son Stray \u2013 How the State Criminalizes Single Mothers, is available from Les Liens qui Lib\u00e8rent publishing house.<\/span><\/p>\n Word of the week<\/span><\/p>\n BALLS<\/span><\/p>\n Simone<\/span><\/p>\n Petanque, of course. The ones haunting your garage because you haven’t touched them since a post-drinks defeat in 2016 (and especially a nasty toe injury, even though we told you not to play in flip-flops). So even if you don’t plan on playing again, we suggest you don’t let them rust away at home. But without throwing them away, like 70% of sporting goods today, according to Ademe.<\/span><\/p>\n Because, you should know: these balls are fully recyclable. They can be sorted and melted down to create new raw materials. The eco-organization Ecologic invites you to drop them off at one of the 3,000 collection points available in France. And the good news is: you can wear flip-flops.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" This week, Chlo\u00e9 Thibaud wonders if it’s possible to be a feminist and cut ties with one’s (toxic) mother\u2026 \u201cStop…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":21707,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-21706","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/quickmeals.milaf.ma\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21706","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/quickmeals.milaf.ma\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/quickmeals.milaf.ma\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quickmeals.milaf.ma\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quickmeals.milaf.ma\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=21706"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/quickmeals.milaf.ma\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21706\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":21708,"href":"https:\/\/quickmeals.milaf.ma\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21706\/revisions\/21708"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quickmeals.milaf.ma\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/21707"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/quickmeals.milaf.ma\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=21706"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quickmeals.milaf.ma\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=21706"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/quickmeals.milaf.ma\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=21706"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}